Letter to myself

Dear Chinita:
I know you are afraid. Hold my hand, I can’t make it better for you but maybe together we can get through it. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you.

Things may seem confusing to you. Words don’t make sense and people don’t make sense, the only constant it seems, is the fear. Their shouting and screaming has nothing to do with you, their angry words are not about you. You didn’t do anything to make him drink and make him angry. You can’t stop it or make it change and it’s not anything you did.

Its ok, it’s ok to be afraid. You don’t have to be brave for them, let it be. They are adults and they know what they are doing. Stay here with me, warm and cozy in bed, don’t go out there, there is nothing for you to see!!!

Come back here with me. I know you had to go out there and try to help, I know why you got involved, but I also knew that it wouldn’t stop them, that’s why I tried to keep you from it. Did he hurt you? I am glad he didn’t, I thought definitely when he pushed you against the wall you had been hurt, but maybe he just wanted to get you out of the way.

I don’t know why he gets like this baby. Alcoholism is an illness and daddy is definitely sick. You know he is different when he isn’t drinking and he talks to you and plays with you and he is good. But sometimes older people are hurting inside and instead of trying to make it better they drink to make it go away, but we know that doesn’t work, does it?

Oh honey, he is not doing this to hurt you. This has nothing to do with you. Even if daddy were to make the worst mistake ever, it would have nothing to do with you. It would be better for you if you were not here, I know, but until mom decides to leave, there isn’t much we can do. Just stay here with me next time they fight, I am just so afraid that you are going to get hurt.

Hey, but at least that police officer was nice. He took you to the station and he was kind and gave you toys and at least took you out of the room when they started fighting again. You know, you would think they would be more careful than to argue in front of the sergeant, but I guess there is no helping it. We could have been out of the station way before dawn, like every other time, instead we missed school and now we are stuck at home waiting for him to be released and come back.

No, neither one of them is a bad person. They are both sick.

Yes, mom too. If she wasn’t sick, she wouldn’t stay with him and go back so many times even though he always ends up doing the same thing.

Of course not, it has nothing to do with you asking her to let him back to the house. She is an adult and she knows what she can and cannot do; besides, in the middle of the anger and the violence, she can’t protect you. How many times has she found bruises on you where she thought there would be none, it would be so easy to see what is happening. I know you are just trying to get him to stop hitting her, but how can you do that when you are only a little girl??? This isn’t your fault, you didn’t make this happen.

I am sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, I know it scares you. I am sorry, don’t cry. Nothing you ever did or didn’t do made this happen. Yes, it would be easier if Yaly was home but then again, maybe not, we will just never know.

Remember tomorrow is Sunday and we go to Tere’s house. You can play and maybe Mary will take you to the next block and you can watch Gringo and Papi play soccer. If you and Jessica behave, she will take you and then you don’t have to be in the house when mom has to explain to Tere why they were fighting again. Your padrino will be there and maybe with your allowance you can buy some candy and chancay, you can save it again and we can have it here under the desk when they start fighting again, you know it will make you feel better. I know, I wish Tere would let us live in her house, and I think Tere would, but mom won’t let us. I know it’s not fair, I know you don’t like to be here because they will fight but I don’t think we can do anything about that.

Don’t go back out there. He already broke the phone; you can’t call anyone for help. No, the neighbors won’t help and even if they did help, remember what happened with Papi and Celso, they came to get you guys out of the house and daddy said something to them with that scary look in his eyes and they left, and left us here with him.

Stop listening, here, let’s look at this book. Yes, he is breaking the furniture, but what can you do??? You can’t make a grown man stop, get the maid to come down to your room and stay here with us. Don’t go out there, you always get in between him and her and he ends up hitting you and I can’t take that, it scares me. That’s a mirror breaking, you can’t go out there in all of that glass, don’t cry, I know you are afraid but there is nothing you can do.

It’s over now, the police took them. Yea, it’s a good thing they left us here, now will you please stay in bed while the maid cleans up the mess over there? I know it was a lot of blood, but noses are funny that way, they bleed like that. She is not very badly hurt and besides she said she would come for you before she went to the hospital for the x-rays, so you will be with her soon. She is ok, don’t cry, you couldn’t have protected her, she is ok.

Will you try and sleep now? They are both gone. It’s finally peaceful. Close your eyes, that’s a good girl. Close your eyes and yes, mom loves you, yes, yes, daddy loves you too. Of course they do, this has nothing to do with them loving you, don’t be silly. This has nothing to do with you. I promise, you will be ok. You are loved.