Closer to you....

One day I will go back, I will hold you in my arms and I will tell you that the pain that we caused each other is forgiven, it’s forgotten and gone.

One day I will go back and I will tell you that your stories taught me about life, that the memories of our times together pushed me to seek the truth within me.

One day I will go back and I will tell you that there is so much of you in me, your thoughts, your ideas, your melancholy.

One day I will go back and show you my writings and watch you read them expectantly, hoping that you like them, looking for the appreciation in your smile.

One day I will go back and take you your grandchildren so you can love them exuberantly like you loved me, so you can tell them your stories and sing to them your songs, do you remember?

One day I will go back and beg your forgiveness, I will tell you that I was proud, that I was arrogant that I thought that the love that we shared could be left behind, I was so wrong.

The day is gone, the moment over, the opportunity lost. Left in my heart is the careful moment I orchestrated in my head, I would find you, we would recognize each other and in an embrace, we would melt away all of the years, the moments, the difficulties that had kept us away from one another. You would tell me that you had missed me, that you love me and that in the 20 years we have been apart, you thought of me constantly. You would look at me and be proud of the woman I have become and take me in your arms and be that shelter that I remember from such a long time ago.

One phone call. One word. I am sorry, he is gone.

There would be no finding each other, no embrace, no I love you, no last words.

What do I do with all of this left in my heart? What do I do with the words I never spoke and the love I never gave? What can I do now that you are gone??? Who will ever understand?

I listen to the music like you did and I read the books the way you did too, I cook just as extravagantly and in my love for my children, there is the same exuberance I learnt from you. The love of life, the happy lie, the inner light, they are from you. All of it from you, and you never knew, I never told you, I didn’t get to say, I am just like you.

And just like you, I grab a paper, I reach for my pen, I write down these words for the world to read. I give of my self, like you taught me to do, from the very first time you put the pen in my hand.

I write the words that heal, the words that soothe, the words that reach across the worlds. I write the words that anger, that evoke thoughts. I write the words that come from the heart, that stir the soul, that feed the mind. I write the words that come to me, I write because that is what I do, I write because like breathing, I need it. I write because writing makes me feel closer to you.

Thank you Daddy…